THIS FUTURE SUCKS

Sup ganics, Abi here.

It’s come to my attention that we talk shit on our day jobs a lot, but maybe that’s a little too specific to be interesting. Maybe it needs to be something you can relate to a bit more closely, yeah? How about I wipe your ass and smother you gently yet firmly until you stop too while I’m at it? Just kidding, I’d never wipe your ass.

But yeah, anyway, there’s been some online buzz about “coworker music” lately. Being that my night job is music, and I have coworkers, I thought it’d be fun to have a look at it and see what it’s all about.

Coworker music is defined on Urban Dictionary but if you’re unfamiliar, it’s the 6/10-rated audio wallpaper that your supervisor puts on to drown out the background hum of the overhead nightmare lights, and fill the gaps that would otherwise be spent bitching about the customers, pay, uniform etc. My axiom remains that no human likes this, which may still be the case, since they’re management.

Since I love coming up with imaginary people almost as much as I love hating on shitty art, I decided I should review some coworker music, and also come up with a coworker to fit each band or artist. I found this article which uses the same Urban Dictionary quote I linked, and they’ve got a pretty natty list of all the hottest coworker chunes, so that’s the list I’m working from. If you’re one of the artists mentioned and you’re made at being coworker music, blame them not me. If you’re mad that I said you’re a fucking hack and your fans are morons, make better music.

I’m also just picking one song from each artist listed. I may love trash, but I’m not doing a whole fucking album for each entry, sorry. Right, time to hit the shit.

1. NF – The Search

Initial thoughts: Truly one of the worst stage names of all time. I really hope that doesn’t mean the same thing where he’s from. Full disclosure, there is an NF song I actually like already (Let You Down), but I haven’t heard any of his others so let’s see what this is like.

OK I listened to it: Great value Eminem rapping over a film score with trap drums. Not terrible. Google tells me he’s Christian, which is cool—I’m glad Christian kids can listen to shouty whiteboy rap without having to have their ears troubled by swears or fart jokes.

Who’s that coworker?! You’re at your first office job, and the guy in your team who’s showing you the ropes wants to connect with you. He mentions a rapper that his kid showed him, but after a few minutes it’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t like rap and just wants to tell you about his son. They sound like a nice family. You decide not to bring up Nas or Lauryn Hill.

2. Mass Of Man – Lights Out (ft GAWNE & Vin Jay)

Initial thoughts: Sick stage name. No idea what this is going to be like.

OK I listened to it: Another film score type beat. Is this part of the coworker sound? This is lame anyway, it’s like ICP if they had no swag and were bitching about people saying mean things online instead of doing insane clown activities. This chorus would probably be good if MOM was a juggalo with a spooky image but he’s just some guy acting tough about the internet. And his name abbreviates to MOM.

Who’s that coworker?! You caught him doing whippits in the walk-in freezer. He’s a chill guy and will offer you a ride home after your shift. It’s important that you ONLY accept if you’re ready to listen to some sub-Joe-Rogan bullshit about aliens because he’s got thoughts and he wants to share.

3. Imagine Dragons – Believer

Initial thoughts: Having never knowingly listened to an Imagine Dragons song, yet knowing their reputation as a bland, boring pop rock band of Maroon 5 calibre, I gotta admit I’m very primed to hate this. Hopefully there’ll be something clever that draws me in despite my cynicism.

OK I listened to it: I have heard this! I thought it had been comissioned for whatever advert I heard it in. This is what bands are making these days? Okay. Doesn’t suck as much as Maroon 5 though.

Who’s that coworker?! His name’s Evan. He rides a scooter and you’ve never seen him out of plain pastels. Yes, this is a Black Books reference, but go on—tell me he’s not the guy.

4. Falling In Reverse – The Drug In Me Is You

Initial thoughts: I’m well aware of FIR’s body of work and frontman Ronnie Radke’s extracurricular activities. I’m going to do my best not to let that affect my review of this song. On the off chance that he sees this: lmao go ahead and sue bitch, make me famous.

OK I listened to it: Fucking hell, straight in with the vocals. The IRA give you more warning than this. This guy has been my least favourite singer in his genre since Escape The Fate, with lyricism to match. That being said, the melody in the chorus is an absolute heater and I’m probably still going to be humming it days from now, so well done for that at least, Radke.

Who’s that coworker?! She’s a vaguely alt Disney adult, and since you’re wearing a Jane Doe shirt in your Instagram pfp she’s assuming you have common ground. The conversation was pretty convivial while you were talking about My Chemical Romance (she doesn’t like the first album, it’s the only one you’ve heard front-to-back) but she’s excited to tell you about this uh-may-zing band she heard and it’s this. Maybe you should try getting transferred to a different Londis.

5. Five Finger Death Punch – Blue on Black

Initial thoughts: Okay so, I’m a metalhead, but I’m a blastbeats/dissonance/cookie monster vocals metalhead, I don’t play well with mainstream shit. Because of this, never heard a 5FDP song on purpose. Their reputation does precede them, but hey—if I can say something nice about Falling In Reverse…

OK I listened to it: What in the Sons of Anarchy is this intro lmfao. The chorus has a decent heft to it, though. I wonder if any of them know how much this song sounds like Bon Jovi – Dead or Alive with the bass boosted. What is this even about? How does a song from 2019 sound this much like it was prompted in Suno by a 13 year old in his dad’s leather jacket?

Who’s that coworker?! He totally would have joined the army but he can’t take people telling him what to do, he’s just built different you don’t know his mentality bro, when it’s go time he sees red and bodies drop. Has one (1) Tapout shirt, that he wears under his uniform to every fucking shift.

… Aint gonna lie gang, I don’t wanna listen to any more of this stuff. I work from home so I can spend all day listening to something less painful like this.

Followup article coming whenever I run out of ideas for shit to talk about next.

Til next time, get fucked.

Abi

Buy our shit so we can quit our jobs here.